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Dysfunction 2. Out of Orifice


My dog went into the garden yesterday and did a massive shit.

I let her back in, shut the back door and got on with my day.

I knew I had to deal with it at some point, but put it to the back of my mind.


Problem statement

By lunchtime, after clearing up the same dirty steamer from my son’s shoes, the lounge floor, the stairs and finally his bed, I’d wasted an hour.

All because I didn’t allow time to deal with it after delivery from the hairy highway.

Afterwards I went outside to get some fresh air, and noticed several more stale arse biscuits that should have been dealt with.

Some were easy to find, and easy to pick up. Some were a bit messy and required double bagging and the hose before I was sure that I had dealt with it. One was just plain… well…word’s can’t even describe it, so I blamed that one on next door’s cat, and sent it back over the fence to it’s rightful home.

Work emails are like stinking turds.

I would rather avoid them, I wish there were less of them, but I also understand they are part of  life and need to be dealt with at some point during my day. I can’t throw them all back over the fence…


Business rules

3 considerations for keeping your inbox free of floaters:

  1. Make regular visits. The longer you put it off, the messier it’s going to be. (But don’t just loiter around in the khazi. That would be weird. Pervert)

  2. Make sure you wipe properly. Don’t leave any clinkers to be dealt with later.

  3. Check your shoes. Don’t spread shit around. If you can’t tell what an email is about from the subject line – delete it. If an email is full of acronyms – delete it. If you’ve been sent an email by someone who sits within 10 meters of your desk – DELETE IT, and then print off a photo of a dogs arse, put it on their desk and whisper in their ear – ‘I saw this and thought of you’

3 considerations to avoid causing blockages when you next get the urge to squeeze out a donation to the chocolate charity:

  1. Hold it in for as long as possible. Don’t just splatter all over the place as soon as you get the urge.  If it would be quicker to talk to someone, then talk to them. Email should support and not replace actual conversation. Spoken from your actual mouth. If you email before you try speaking to someone then you are an actual dick.

  2. Be firm, not loose. Make it crystal clear what you need from the outset.

  3. The quicker the better. Just get to the bloody point. In as few words as possible.

Have a look at your inbox right now –

  1. How many emails are actually addressed ‘To’ you?

  2. How many of those do you actually need to read?

  3. How many of those you actually need to respond to?

  4. How many of them are an unnecessary pile of steaming shite?



Let’s collaborate to constipate the flood of waste we send / receive each day – we could all do with having less crap in our working day.



Q. What’s brown and funny? A. Clown poo.

Must dash, time to log off.

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